An imperfect journey

Thanksgiving has come and gone again. And that marks the beginning of the holiday season. The holidays are amazing and strange and hard all at the same time for me. I love to watch the wonder and excitement of my kids, I love the nostalgia and magic of the Christmas decorations and the traditions. I love getting us all dressed up, lining up for family pictures and spending time together. I love the holidays.

But every year that passes, I start to panic. Did I appreciate it enough? Did I focus on the right things enough? What memories did my kids acquire this year? Will this be the best holiday ever for them?

As a family that has two houses (one with mom and one with dad), holidays can be extra challenging. When I dreamt of being a mother, I thought of Christmas morning and my children waking me up at the crack of dawn. I dreamt of singing carols on Christmas Eve and all of our family sitting around a large Thanksgiving table.

But after divorce, the holidays become tricky. You are coordinating schedules with two separate extended family feasts on each day, and everybody wants your amazingly funny and wonderful kids present. Things that aren't tense any other day of the year becomes tense and emotional.

And all of this: the nostalgia, the fear of the future, the scarcity of time, makes me think this:

Parenting is not in every single moment, but in the journey.

Thinking that parenting is wrapped up in making memories and in every moment puts monumental pressure on us as parents. Every time a special day arrives, we think that this could make or break their childhood. We think, “Yes, 364 days of the year are amazing, but this Christmas was terrible. Forget this entire year.” Or, we obsess over our imperfections, dwelling on that time when we were less than patient with our spouse or snapped at our kids when they really needed grace. We dwell on that instead of the legacy of grace and patience we are exhibiting every day. When everything is caught up in the perfection of the exact moment, there’s no going back. There’s no learning. There is only success or failure at that moment. And that leaves us with the dreaded and toxic parenting guilt, making us question our very worth as a parent and to our children.

This way of life also puts monumental pressure on our kids. Because let’s face it, its not just parents who can ruin moments, but kids can too. And that’s part of childhood - messing up, freaking out, melting down. Do we allow this? Is there room for error?

But when we think of parenting as a journey, it’s so freeing for ourselves and for our kids. Our kids are then allowed to explore their emotions and feelings about things, let those feelings flourish and see where they end up on their other side. The truth is, their emotions are not ours and our emotions are not theirs. They are separate and wonderful people from us, and it’s ok for them to experience things differently than we do. They SHOULD experience things differently.

When I decided to be a parent, I was wrapped up in the idea of a perfect holiday and what that would give to me. But what I should have been thinking about was how I was going to raise two giving, caring, self-sustaining adults. Because, ultimately, the desired outcome of parenting is your children's healthy adulthood.

When you have kids, you realize the importance of them growing up into human beings who will actually give a shit about our world, work to make things better, and give generously to their fellow humankind. We realize that there can be imperfection in moments and that won’t necessarily impact their future as an awesome adult human.

To be clear: I am not advocating for not living in the moment or not cherishing the special moments. I think we should do that. But everything around us is telling us that, telling us that this moment will not last and we need to make it count. I mean, have you heard “Cats in the Cradle?” Yeah - we’ve got that message loud and clear. And I agree with the sentiment and the idea. But I think ultimately it makes many of us parents feel intense guilt. It makes us fear the future as the questions come rolling in: what if we didn’t cherish the moment enough? What if the moment wasn’t amazing enough? What if in that moment we weren’t 100% on our game and the moment fell flat? What then?

And the answer is, as it is for most things: love. Love is the sticky binding agent that brings all of our moments together and makes a full picture for our kids. Love is the glossy finish that takes our imperfections as parents and turns it into memories. Because our kids don’t want perfection and we shouldn’t train them to want that. Our kids want us. My kids want me to be my quirky sing-songy bad-at-baking self to be burning cookies and making us all make up raps about Thanksgiving in the car. And they want to groan at my efforts, say they don’t want to rap, but then ultimately join in. And they want that every other day too. They want me in their life, being myself and allowing them to be their separate selves too.

All this to say, let's you and I take a collective breath as we start the holidays season and remember that love is enough. You got this. I got this. Now, let's go bake some cookies (mine will probably be burned.)

XOXO -

Jen Deale Boss lady, Camp Crush // SBP Smoothies // Bailey & Cooper