Moving kindness.

Have you ever felt rejected? Like, deep down in your heart rejected? Unloved? Unwanted? Unimportant? This happened to me this week.

A person, someone Chris and I have known for many years, suddenly re-emerged into our lives this weekend; all enthusiasm, all excitement, all exclamation points. It all seemed so false since we hadn’t spoken in years, but he pushed back into our lives in a strange burst of suddenness.

Chris and I were hesitant, to say the least. Hesitant to spend time, hesitant to get reacquainted, hesitant to give any space. You see, many of you understand that when you live your life with palms forward and heart open, you allow yourself the possibility of amazing interpersonal connection and you also open yourself to the possibility of negativity, judgment, energy drain and more.

But, Chris and I have decided that, for us, it still makes sense to live openly, despite the pain its caused us over the years, despite the losses we’ve experienced. Because being open has offered us some of the most filling, deepest and wondrous connection with the most unlikely of people. And that makes it all worth it.

So, flash forward, we gave some time and attention to this person. And unsurprisingly, when Chris and I didn’t fit into the religious and social-conforming box he wanted us to fit into, he literally disappeared. In the middle of the evening, in the middle of a conversation, without a word, a text, anything. Ghosted, He treated us like we were non-people, worthless, unloveable.

Of course, the feeling was fleeting. Chris and I live in a wondrous bubble of love, joy and happiness with our kids and our friends and our extended families. We have the most beautiful life, and so as we drove back to Portland, while still slightly confused by the turn of events, we leaned on each other and the feeling of unworthiness fled with each passing mile.

I grew up in the church, so I well understand the feeling and belief that life needs to be within a clean clear box to be spiritual, to be holy. I remember looking at people’s lives that I didn’t understand and passing judgment on them, feeling sad for their soul, for their choices, still exclaiming how much I loved that person, how much I cherished them. All the while, my own heart and soul were deplete of real human connection and any acceptance of myself. I was never lonelier or more isolated than when I was in that place. So, when this person, under the guise of their religion rejected us, I sadly understood his decision.

And it made me think about judgment, about how we treat each other, and the kindness or the curse that we choose to extend upon each other without even realizing it.

My open and messy life, full of love and hugs and mistakes and risks and complicated but happy relationships, doesn’t and shouldn’t make sense to someone who thinks that a woman who is also a mother and also a business owner and also an artist should live in a neatly defined box. I am a real human, with an untamed spirit, ready to take on the unknown in my future. I cannot be put into a box.

Life is messy and has many twists and turns. And we should want life to be this way, to be unpredictable and surprising. But, if we can all start with a blank slate and give each other a chance to show our beauty and happiness, then there appears an opportunity to extend kindness. Wouldn’t the world would be such a stronger and more wonderful place if we all practiced a bit of that, instead of seeking to compartmentalize and define people first?

Within days of returning to Portland, my heart felt slightly deflated, folded down around the corners of my usually full and bursting self. Rejection is never easy, even if the loss itself is okay. But a beautiful and unexpected thing happened: several people that I respect and love reached out. They didn’t have to know how I was feeling for them to, without question, fill up my heart with their kindness, with their words, with their embrace. They spoke to me of my parenting, of my art, of my heart for others and my drive, and I felt the blackness of someone else’s projected issues leave my consciousness, and I felt like I could see and appreciate my wild and messy self again.

This made me think and wonder on how important our actions and non-actions are to one another. It made me dream of some sort of Kindness Movement! And I’m not talking about a movement where we tell each other falsities, or about things that don’t matter. But instead, where we take 1 minute to really see, really look at the people in our lives and tell them what they’re doing right. Lay down the filter of our insecurities that we view others through, and really see people for who they are, for what they’re trying to accomplish. And then, despite the awkwardness and fear, share the kindness we observe back with them. That’s love. That's transformative. That's the kind of movement that can spread.

So, will you join me by sharing the good we see with each other? We need it. The world needs it. Screw judgment and our preconceived notions of what happiness and love should look like for other people. Let’s start practicing love and kindness with each other and see how far that gets us, how much better our direct community does with that influx of love and positivity. I want to see you. I want to tell you the beauty I see in you. Let’s have coffee or a glass of wine and find the mutual love sitting between us.

I’m rooting for you, as always.

XOXO

Jen Deale

Boss lady, Camp Crush // SBP Smoothies // Coop & Bailey