The naked truth.

I grew up in the 90s. This was the era of the “skinny girl” - the era where many in my high school struggled with eating disorders and body image. My heritage is a mix of Welsh, German and some Scandinavian and well, its just not in my DNA to be the skinny girl. I’ve basically always looked the way I look now: tall and curvy, outgoing personality and big hair. Some years that’s been in style, other years it hasn’t.

Today, I love my body. I cherish my body. I think my body is awesome. Despite the barrage of media and early influences that tell me (and every other person) that my body is not what it should be, I fully embrace and love what I look like. But it wasn’t always this way. And the strange path that led me through to a place of body acceptance was, surprisingly, public nudity.

Now, I know, this may seem out of left field and slightly contrary. And I understand the confusion. Hang with me.

Public nudity was not the first step to body acceptance. The first step I took (unknowingly at the time) was changing my perspective on exercise. When I was younger, I would work out because I wanted to lose weight and get to some undefinable goal. But in the end these undefinable goals seemed empty and vapid and it just didn’t hold enough interest to me to stick with it or enjoy it.

It all changed 8 years ago. I was in the middle of my first marriage falling apart and I was stressed beyond belief. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. My skin was a mess. My chest was tight and in pain all of the time. And one day (and to my own surprise), I walked out my front door and went on a run. I felt like I was going to die physically, but mentally, I felt free and strong. That night I slept well. The next morning, I was hungry and could eat. It was enough to keep me going and get my out on my next run.

Many years later, working out still does this for me. My practice looks different (more yoga and more barre these days than running), but in the middle of the insane schedule that Chris and I and the kids have, working out is the thing that keeps my head in the right place.

I enjoy my life immensely. I like a tasty beer or a hunk of dark chocolate with sea salt. I drink more coffee than green tea and I wear the stretch marks from carrying my babies with pride. So, I don't work out for any sort of perfection, but I work out in a way that serves me (not the other way around). Changing my relationship with exercise helped me rethink my preconceived ideas about end-goals, where I would need to be before I could be happy with myself, and what it means to love yourself.

After all, I love my kids by taking care of them, by spending time with them, by challenging them, by telling them how proud I am of them and how much they mean to me. Why should our relationship to ourself be any different than it is to others that we love? What would happen if we spent as much time fostering self confidence and self esteem within ourselves as we do within our family and loved ones?

There were other steps on this journey towards body love too. For example, I made myself stop laughing in response when someone told me I was beautiful. I also consciously stopped the negative internal monologue. And when I began to feel the external barrage of negative self image seep in, I’d look at myself in the mirror and list all the amazing ways that my body was serving me in that moment.

And after all of that a couple of years later, I went to Breitenbush Hot Springs, stepped out of my robe and sat awkwardly in an idyllic hot springs pool with complete strangers. After my heart stopped beating out of control in my chest, Chris and I relaxed and chatted for hours, moving from pool to pool. It was relaxing, focusing, invigorating. We felt refreshed and ready for action in our life. I went to Breitenbush for these reasons: to feel refreshed and to be adventurous. I didn’t go there for some sort of internal body revolution. In fact, I had expected the opposite. I had expected that I would feel embarrassed or shamed for my imperfections.

But the reality was that as people strode in and out of the pools, I realized that all bodies are just that. Bodies. Just naturally weirdly shaped bodies. No one is perfect and no body is perfect. Every one wishes for something they didn’t have. Every one of us live with some sort of insecurity about our body. But we don’t have to, because we are all the same. And when I could see myself in every single person walking by, my lack of self confidence was replaced with a newfound understanding of the beauty of humanity and the purpose of our bodies.

I saw that the beauty lives inside the confidence. The beauty is in the act of owning the skin. The beauty is in the experience and strength that lives behind the skin. The beauty is you, not the skin. You make it beautiful. The skin matters the least in the equation, but your approach to the skin and your thoughts about the worth of the skin and all that lies within it matter the most.

Just this last week, Chris and I headed back for another trip to Breitenbush, one of many that have happened since our first foray. I was reminded that it’s good to practice this strange thing because it shows me that we’re all the same, all walking around with these bones, muscle and skin, trying to find happiness and peace, trying to feel good about who we are and what we offer the world.

This is not to say that I’ve attained anything - it’s a practice, a process, a journey. Even last night, Chris showed me the first run through of our upcoming music video he made (he’s incredible, by the way!), and even though the video is gorgeous and beautiful, it’s a lot of footage of me singing, walking, looking around, hiking, etc. And there was a small ugly voice inside that appeared and told me to run away, to hide, to cringe, to be ashamed. I laid in bed with my mind racing through every single imperfection I noticed, heart pumping, doubts abounding. And then I took a deep breath and went back to my practice - to thank my mind for writing this song, to thank my lungs and lips for singing it, to recognize how pretty the sun on my face is in the video that showcases the song and how lucky I am to live in this body and in this amazing life I own.

I’m so glad I don’t need to spend any of the precious minutes left in my life fretting on beauty because everyday I can wake up and choose to be beautiful, I can choose to glow, I can choose to strut down the street in confidence. I don’t choose to live in self doubt about my skin and limbs anymore. I love my skin and limbs, I’m grateful for them, I’m proud of them.

As always, it’s a journey, but hey, you never know when trying something new or being adventurous will help you find yourself in a new way. So, go get naked in public (but choose where wisely!) or do something else to expand your comfort zone! Who knows what personal demons you may unknowingly banish through the adventure?

And as always, I’d love to hear your stories of adventure and discovery! Let’s keep the conversation going!

You are so beautiful!

XOXO

Jen Deale

Boss Lady, Camp Crush // SBP Smoothies // Coop & Bailey