Critic or Coach?
I remember the first time I said I was quitting music. It was in 2012 and I had just played a show at a wine bar that is now permanently closed. I was playing with my then jazzy/bluesy/pop band and had finished the first half of my set. As I walked away from the piano to grab a glass of water, an older gentlemen, with two younger ladies at each side, walked up to me. He grabbed my elbow sharply and said, “The music you’re playing, is that what you’re going to play all night? Will you play anything more upbeat? It’s depressing us and we want to party.” Commence collective eye-roll.
I was younger then, and quite a bit more fragile than I am today. I had played music professionally at churches for many years prior, but this set was my first set of originals that I wrote for myself. So, drunken criticism from the resident "Silver Fox" was not something I was accustomed to. With tears in my eyes, I ran back on stage, rushed through the last half of my set and then ran to my car and drove home without saying goodbye to anyone.
Looking back, this encounter actually makes me smile. It makes me realize how far I’ve come since those early days. After many years of my skin getting thickened from a many sets at loud bars, gruff men cornering me and the grind of the corporate world, criticism and feedback is somewhat of a constant companion of mine. And I’m grateful for it.
Everywhere I’ve worked, whether its on stage or in a conference room, there has always been at least one person in the room who can tell you what is good or bad, right or wrong, exciting or boring and ultimately worthy or unworthy, at least in their highly coveted opinion. So, since criticism seems to be ever-present, I wonder, "Is there anything worth listening to in the voice of the critic?"
The first thing that I’ve come to realize about criticism is that, like with everything, you need to take it with a grain of salt. We all have our own truths, experiences and paradigms that we perceive reality through. And no matter what the critic tells you (or what you tell yourself), you have to know that the criticism is filtered through their personal experience.
They don't like your painting?
They thought your white-paper was total crap?
They think your board game idea will never work?
They think your music is quiet and boring?
If you peel away the onion, I guarantee you that you'll find one of two things. One, you'll find deeply rooted insecurity, anger or fear of failure. Or two, you'll find expertise and experience that have led this person to believe that they know what can or will be successful. Or maybe you'll find a combination of both. Either way, we all express our ideas through our own filters.
When hearing feedback, remember, you're not just hearing their words, the critic is showing you who they are within the words of their critique.
The second thing to note is that there is a difference between a critic and a coach. A critic is someone who gives zero f*cks about you but feels they have a right to an opinion and a coach is someone who will tell you the truth because they are invested in your success and believes in you. Everywhere I go now, whether its through parenting, music or business, I look for the coach in the room. And when I can't find someone to coach me, I turn around and ask, who can I be that for?
The third thing is that sometimes there is a nugget of truth inside the big and burning critique. Only sometimes, though. And the people who can lay down their pride, hear the criticism and take what they will from it, implement what serves them and leave the rest behind, those are the people that stand in front of the crowd. Those are the people that succeed.
And finally, you can rest assured that when the critics show up, you can know you're on the right track. Experimentation, innovation, risk, grit combined with talent, and the unknown are all traits that will draw critics to you like sugar to ants.
As a musician, I somehow interpret criticism differently than I do in the business world. In the business world, I love feedback. Even harsh criticism is mostly okay. I think this is because I am confident that what I do is worthwhile and feedback only shows me how others perceive my work and how I can continue to improve. In music, things are more tender and personal. The product (the songs) are straight from my heart and created from every teardrop and burst of pain that I have ever experienced. Criticism is harder when it’s about your creation, when it’s about you. But the rules about criticism stated above still apply and are maybe more important than ever.
I always come back to this Theodore Roosevelt quote, because not only does it encourage me to keep jumping in the pit of creation, it also stops me from criticizing people for things I know nothing about.
I mean, could Andy Roddick have actually handled his temper better and had a more successful tennis career? Umm…. I have unfounded and unasked for opinions in this matter, but am I qualified in any possible way to speak on this? No. So I’m going to be quiet. Because Andy Roddick spent his life training and working for his tennis career with his many very experienced coaches. So, it’s not for me to say what he could have done better or what it should have looked like. I can choose to be his fan or not, but I can make that choice with my mouth closed. Why would I choose that? Because I don't want to be the asshole tennis critic who has a big opinion but has never taken one single tennis lesson in my life.
That said, if I feel like I have opinions that can help people because these opinions are founded in reality and in experience, then I should jump at opportunities to coach others. What would happen if we all, rather than jump at the easy moments of criticism, take a deep breath and look around us to see where we could coach instead? Where do we see people we believe in, where do we see potential? How do we, then, offer our experiences to coach, rather than throw around easy by-stander criticisms?
I have had so many amazing coaches in my life, and I hope and pray that as they read this, they know who they are. They were the ones that when I messed something up terribly, they not only didn't fire me, but also helped me figure out how to do it better the next time around. They were the ones that, when giving feedback, gave me feedback that was meant to help me grow, not to put me in my place. They were the ones who gave me opportunities that I could not at the time accomplish, but instead they let me struggle (with support) and grow into someone who could tackle those opportunities. I can only hope that I can be that for others someday too.
Cheers to finding our coaches and letting go of our critics!
XOXO Jen Deale
Boss Lady, Camp Crush // SBP Smoothies // Bailey & Cooper
PS! We MADE it to our Kickstarter goal in record time! I am so completely overwhelmed by the support and love we've experienced. Thank you thank you thank you! I can't wait to get all our new sparkly swag out to our backers and get these songs in your hands! If you haven't pre-ordered yet, we have some fun stretch goals and would love to have you join as an official "Camper" with Camp Crush!