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The truth about being liked.

When I was younger, the idea of someone not liking me kept me up at night. In fact, as a teenager, I needed to impress everyone. Ideally, I would be on their list of favorite people. I spent many years and most of my 20s working on winning people over to my side, convinced that if I tried hard enough, they would all fall madly in love with me.

Did it work? Yeah, I guess so. I had a lot of people that loved being around me, but I found myself lonely and misunderstood. Because, you see, I had spent so much timing winning people over, that no one actually knew me personally. I had morphed myself into a really pleasing mirror for people to look into, but my real personality was hidden.

You see, if you’re being your true self, you can’t really please everyone. You end up hiding crucial pieces of who you are to be accepted. You end up toning down your strongest qualities so others are comfortable.

I remember the first time I had to go to sleep at night knowing that there were people who didn’t just not love me, but actively disliked me. It was a fitful night of picking up the phone and then hanging it up again, erasing unsent text messages and emails and forcing myself to spend time in the discomfort of being unliked.

And it was hard. But it freed me. It freed me to make other decisions that people didn't understand, that made others feel uncomfortable, to courageously state what I or my kids needed even when it was unpopular, to release myself from the energy vampires in my life and to start writing music that meant something to me.

It’s been a process, one that even now I find myself catching myself on. I mean, there are things I definitely just give zero f*cks about. Don't like the way I dress? Don't like the way I parent? Don't like my direct communication style? OK. Yep, that's ok with me.

But, there are other things I'm still working on. Just yesterday, a lady in my neighborhood who doesn’t approve of my front yard strewn with Razor Scooters, my old Vanagon in the driveway and the piano and music seeping out of the windows walked right by me, literally with her nose in the air, ignoring my hello. This is a common occurrence. She genuinely just does not like me. Chris was standing in our doorway watching this happen. I looked at him helplessly. He could read my mind, “WHY does she hate me so much?” But he smiled and I was reminded that, it’s not for me to fix or decide. I have wonderfully creative and fun friends in my life that love me for who I am. I don’t need to convince someone that I don’t know or care for to like me.

It’s ok to live in the tension.

So, I’m still not perfect in the practice, but I’m aware of it now and I’m working on it.

The thing is, since I’ve decided that being my true self is more important than making everyone around me happy, I’ve found that I HAVE made the important people to me happier, because I’m happier. I bring more light and joy to the table, and in turn, that allows them to express their light and joy. Since I’ve given myself permission to be myself despite my surroundings, I’ve seen my kids have more self confidence, I’ve seen my relationship with Chris grow stronger, and I've developed close friendships to other strong and courageous people on the same journey.

Now, this is not giving myself (or any of us) permission to be an asshole. Love and grace is the root of all of our true selves, I fully believe that. But loving people as yourself, and not as who they want you to be, is a truer form of friendship. They'll get more of the best parts of you that way. The people who are uncomfortable with that are the people that love you for self-serving reasons, not for who you are.

This proves true in the business world. As a female business owner and boss, I remember the words a friend of mine (an absolute lady boss and previous manager of mine) told me "My goal when I come to the business table is not to be liked, but to be heard." I keep that in mind when I can feel the tension rise in a difficult conversation. I ask myself these questions: what is my goal with this conversation? Is my own desire to be liked stifling me from achieving the things that are most important to me? Am I willing to sacrifice those dreams to be liked?

When I first went through this realization and the beginning of the transformation, I got a tattoo to help me remember the practice. It’s a tattoo of a tree and it comes back to a quote by Thomas Merton. Thomas Merton said “A tree gives glory to God by being a tree.” To me, this quote means that we are made to be uniquely us, not to try to morph into something else. We live up to our potential by recognizing who we are and living into it fully, all with love and grace as the conduit through which we grow.

So, I hope you find the people in the room who are still there when you've shown your real self, your nerdiest, boldest, strongest self. Those people are your tribe. I'm remembering that for myself today too. Letting go of pleasing everyone around us gives us the permission to go get the real shit done. Let's get to it!

XOXO

Jen Deale

Boss Lady, Camp Crush // SBP Smoothies // Cooper & Bailey

PS - our new EP is ready to be released! If you're in Portland, come hang out with us May 18th at Alberta Street Pub! Get yer tix here: https://www.ticketfly.com/event/1683569-camp-crush-ep-release-cabin-portland/

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